September 12, 2012
Yu Jin Kim
South tower 38 college avenue(138601): 10-250D
Graduate Residence, U town
National University of Singapore
Mobile:
85353950
Email: Kimyujin0415@gmail.com
HR
Department
M1
Dear Sir/Mdm,
Application
for Sport marketer
I will be graduating from the National
University of Singapore with a master
business degree
in May 2016. I learned lots of sport marketing strategy and got
some prizes which are related in sport marketing competition. Because of my
interest and ability, I would like to work your company.
- These are my strong
point
When I was
elementary school student, I was good at baseball player, but after serious
injured, I stopped the baseball. After that I have always missed sport and I
set up my goal to work that kind of industry. So if I work you are company, I
am very happy and I can do my best comparing other people.
My personality
I think my
characteristic is fit to sport marketing. First of all, I am outgoing person. So
I can do it very well to meet new people. And also I am able to harmonize other
group or work. Since my activated personality, my colleges often like to work
together. In these situations, I think that I am satisfied people to your
company.
Thank
you for considering my application.
I
sincerely wish to be able to work with your company for the Industrial
Attachment programme.
Yours
sincerely,
Yu Jin Kim
Hey! Have you received my email about some of my comments for your application letter? Pls check for that :-)
ReplyDeleteI think you need to change "M1" , as this is not the company you are applying for, I supposed
Oh my god... haha
DeleteOk! i will check !!!
Hi Yujin!
ReplyDeleteI feel that your application letter is a little too short, though it has noteworthy traits that M1 might be looking for. Is M1 the telephone services company? In terms of format, t would be good to add a spacing between paragraphs to make it more clear. A space between the date and your details at the beginning too. I personally feel that you could justify your letter (making it spread throughout the width of the letter) because it looks neater. It is just a suggestion.
For your heading, you should be a little more specific. At first, I thought it was for a job, but later at the end of you letter, you mentioned that it is for an industrial attachment. You could put your heading as “Application for Industrial Attachment as a Sports Marketer for M1”.
Your application letter can be further improved. For the first line, you failed to mention your name and your major in what type of business (eg. Marketing). You also forgot to mention where you found the advertisement or announcement for this attachment. Is it through a job website or a collegue or M1’s website. Perhaps you could also elaborate and name the sports marketing competitions that you participated in. It would be good if you added in what you gained from that experience (eg. Teamworking skills, the programs that you are familiar with like creating a web server etc). Also, it is quite awkward to start a sentence with “Because”. You could change it to “Due to..” or “ With my ...”.
It is good that you underlined your main points for each paragraph. It makes it more clear for the reader. You could perhaps rephrase your second sentence to show that you are really passionate and are determined to pursue this career in sports despite your injury. So marketing helps you keep that love for sports alive. Basically, make your love for sports stand out.
For the third paragraph, you could mention what leadership/committee experience that you have that enabled you to demonstrate your teamwork skills and about harmonising the group. It is quite vague, but it is true that teamwork skills are essential for marketing. Just make sure that you “brand” yourself, make people know that it is your niche.
The closing paragraph is too abrupt, I feel. It would be good to summarise how you could value-add to M1 or how you would be a good candidate for the attachment. You could also mention that you will attach your resume for the person’s reference.
A few grammatical mistakes:
• “I HAVE learned lots..”
• “These are my strong POINTS”
• “but after BEING seriousLY injured”
• “work WITH YOUR company”
• “ I WILL do my best COMPARED TO other people”
• “I think my OUTGOING, TEAM-ORIENTED PERSONALITY SUITS sport marketing”
• “WITH my ACTIVE personality, my COLLEGUES USUALLY LIKE to work together.”
• “ the industrial attachment”